The Great Escape

BJ and Lily have just said goodbye to their slaves, R and S, who are heading to New Zealand for their wedding...

LILY: The humans have absconded. We must plot our revenge. Quick, let us shed fur all over the suede couch.

BJ: I am a neutered male. I can't type and shed at the same time.

LILY: Fine. I'll do it myself.

BJ: Hey, stop rolling on top of the remote control. What if you make that black rectangle explode?

LILY: It's called a TV, BJ. And if you'd put two and two together, you'd realise rolling on the remote doesn't make the TV blow up. Check this out.

BJ: Ahhh! No, don't! We'll get in trouble. Oh, hey, isn't that a fish?

LILY: Ew, you're licking the screen. And for the record, whales are mammals.

BJ: Tastes pretty good!

LILY: I wonder when the slave substitutes will be here to feed us.

BJ: Who needs Whiskas when we've got life-size whales on the TV?

LILY: Obviously your taste buds aren't as well developed as mine. Though, I am in the mood for some juicy prawns right now.

BJ: It's been five minutes since Mum and Dad left. When do you think they'll be back?

LILY: Oh, about a million hours from now. Don't worry. You'll sleep through most of it.

BJ: Are you kidding? I'm staying up to watch Entourage.

LILY: Nuh-uh, put that program guide away. I've got Nigella Bites and Jamie Oliver at Home lined up for tonight.

Some time later, one of the substitute slaves, F, enters the house.

LILY: Who the heck are you?

BJ: Lily, please don't hiss. It's F from next door. He's here to feed us. You have to be nice to him.

LILY: Where's the food, then, smartypants? He's come in empty-handed. And he reeks of that dreadful black cat of his--Pinklepurr. What if he's here to rob the place? Better guard that TV if you want to watch it later on.

BJ: I like it when he talks to us in that silly, high voice. It's very cute.

LILY: Fool! He's read all the literature on our kind. He knows we go ape when humans talk like that. Resist, BJ. Resist!

BJ: He's going to the pantry, Lily! Look, he's taking out the sachets of Whiskas!!!!! Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

LILY: Better be prawns in those sachets, or I'm throwing up all over your bowl again.

BJ (whispering): Please let there be prawns...